Another Life Changing Decision.
In the previous post there were two major changes in my life that have been, and are, instrumental to bringing me to writing this blog called “The You Process.”
My life in many ways was a secret to even me, now continuing with “The Secret”, I again will take you along the road I traveled to come to a comfort level within myself.
My wife became ill and was confined to a wheelchair, she wanted me to care for her and would not settle for anyone other than me.
Those first couple of years were extremely difficult, there were untold personal problems, perhaps the most difficult for me to accept, was the fact I could not perform for anyone, Norma knew me very well, after almost forty years.
It was for me like William Shakespeare’s quote “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women players.” I was a player for so long, my acceptance was based on my performance.
I was true to myself in becoming what I did, this time however was going to bring a much different result. I knew some household responsibilities, however there was a steep learning curve.
There was nothing I could do to impress Norma, she knew me too well, there was no hiding this time. I was confined to the house carrying out the daily chores and being a caregiver.
In the past, help was given with some household chores, but this was different. I quickly learned that the work is never done. The moment I finished the housework, it was necessary to start all over again.
When I look back and think about some things I did, it was laughable. An example, which most women will get a kick out of, the first time doing the laundry, I put the clothes in the washer and decided to take it easy and wait for it to finish so I could put the clothes in the dryer. I only did that once, to get through all the daily chores, there was no time to stop.
The next eight years, in more ways than one, were to become the best years of my life, up to that time.
I slowly began to know myself, not realizing it at the time.
What my wife had wanted was becoming clearer, I had tried to show my love for her by the things I gave her, but that wasn’t enough.
What she wanted from me was true love. My daily caring for her and her needs, was an expression of the love I felt for her from day one.
I felt needed, it gave me a better feeling about myself. There was a process taking place that centered as much around myself as around Norma.
That ten years was a life changing experience for me, it allowed Norma and I to enjoy some quality time together.
Some Light In The Darkness.
This brings me to the second definition in Cambridge’s Dictionary, “A fact about a subject that is not known.” If it is a fact about a subject that is not known, it is a secret and will always remain a secret.
It is an experience and an experience belongs to one person, the person experiencing it, myself, that was my truth.
The dictionary did expand to a degree, when it used the example “the secret of the universe” however, it does not give much to go on.
I slowly realized during Norma’s illness and more so after her passing that the secret was in me and very much a part of me. I also realized that no one had access to this Inner Light, but myself.
That was why no one could explain to me what the secret was, it was expounded on through books about their experience. It may have been that person’s truth, if what they were writing about was an experience of theirs.
What the books did for me, was cause me to dig more and more, the books now made some sense, but it did not fill the void I had experienced for a good part of my life.
What Is It?
It was after Norma’s passing, for the next eighteen months, I experienced a profound emotion that in some ways was unfamiliar to me, yet at the same time was very powerful.
The normal emotions that go with loss of a loved one, especially after forty-seven years together, is grief, sadness and loneliness, pretty much in that order. It did not seem like either of those, although there was a grieving, but this was different.
Philip, my son, called most every day and many times while talking with him, I would break down crying.
He would ask me, “what is the problem?
I couldn’t put my finger on it. Crying was something I never did, it was considered weakness for the male. When I was a child, if I fell and hurt myself and started to cry.
I was told, “men don’t cry.” I guess that was how I grew up, “men don’t cry.”
Now, everything had changed for me, it was as if there was a pent-up emotion coming to the surface.
It would be later and through a series of experiences, I would have a better idea of what was happening and a much greater understanding of “the Secret.”
Communing With Myself.
I am now alone, I started an early morning walk and journalized it as, “My five K walk.”
It was on those mornings that I started to commune with myself and begun to learn much about me. My dreams became about me, being able to look back and see myself. Some things I saw were not very flattering, but it did not depress me, rather quite the opposite, even though I saw myself for who I was, I was able to forgive myself and move on.
I had always considered myself a good person and tried to live a good life. Looking back, I had more of a tendency to rationalize my behavior then I had thought.
I was beginning to experience “The Secret.”
A year and a half later, I said to myself or my Inner-Self (I wasn’t speaking audibly) that I no longer wanted to know anything else, I wanted to live what I know or am learning.
I signed off in my journal, said good-bye, and said I wanted to be a child of the universe, although I did not understand what I was saying at the time. I mentioned earlier, sometimes we have in our heart, what is not in our head, this was one of those times.
It is now a year and half after my wife’s passing, living in a small town, everyone knows everyone. Now friends were trying to set me up with a lady friend. I would be invited to dinner at a friends and would find myself seated with a single lady. This begun to irritate me.
A couple of months later, I was invited by a couple that were regulars at my B&B that I had become friends with, to come visit. Edmund played in a band that was playing at a Sports Bar, his wife Nancy invited me to come and hear them play and stay at their home overnight.
I said, if I have no guests at the B&B, I would come. I had no guests so on Friday, February 17, I went to hear Edmond and the band.
I had no knowledge of this being a setup, if I had known, I might not have gone.
Nancy had another friend coming to the Sports Bar that evening, when she arrived, I was quickly introduced to “Sandra.”
She was quite pleasant and a good dancer, so we danced often that evening. I’m not quick on the take or whatever, I did not realize it was a setup, just a normal evening. I guess on the other side of the coin, I wasn’t looking for a lady friend. I was actually quite happy with myself.
You may think, to this point I may be digressing from “The Secret.”
I am articulating on my experiences, that all come together over time to bring me to the point of where I am now, how the secret has evolved and continues to evolve.
It is important for me to reiterate how important your experiences are, never discount anything that happens in your life.
So many things in my life seemed disjointed, but over time, and reasoning through the various experiences and times, I began to realize how well things were coordinated.
I took the wrong path many times and had to back track or lose much valuable time, but eventually I would get back in “the way” again.
It is important to watch for the markers that are given to you to get to your destination.
That became abundantly clear to me when I walked “The French Way Camino.” I had never been to Spain, didn’t speak Spanish and undertook an eight hundred kilometer walk. I was always conscious of the markers and paid particular attention to my guidebook, to reach my destination, this close attention kept me from making many wrong turns and prevented me from getting lost and reaching my destination.
Life is like that, pay attention to your experiences, reason them through, and you will reach your destination. Our experiences become our markers.
In my next post the journey continues. It opens up another amazing direction.
I welcome any comments or questions, you can comment at the end of this post, I will answer any and all.
Have a great day.